Suicide Mission
by Aliemah
Summary: Shepard thinks she's fine before heading through the relay. Garrus knows better, and tells her to do something she isn't sure she wanted to do. So, she does it anyway, and the result is not what she expected. Implied Shakarian beginnings with past Shenko. Originally posted on tumblr.
1. Part 1

_Author's Note: Originally posted on tumblr. Enjoy!_

* * *

"If you're having second thoughts about this, I'm not going to be upset."

"No, this… it's fine. I'm fine."

"Shepard…"

Ah, that look. She was trying not to crumble under that knowing gaze. Garrus was so good at getting her to spill - his C-Sec training, clearly. But he was right. She was having second thoughts. And at that silent admission, she felt the tears bubble up and she threw herself into her best friend, terrified she might not get another chance to fix what was bothering her.

"Kaidan." He said softly, putting his arms around her. She gave a small nod.

She still had strong feelings for him, and she knew that whatever was going on between them could be fixed with a conversation. But she didn't know if that conversation would ever happen, now. The course to the Omega 4 relay was essentially locked in. They were fueling up on Omega, at the moment, ready to leave any second.

A talon on her jaw drew her from her thoughts, as her gaze was pulled upwards.

"You still have time, if you want. No one can blame you for taking a few days to clear your head." Garrus dropped his hand, one arm still around her for comfort. "You were there for all of us. The least we can do is give you space to get the closure you need."

"Garrus," her eyes were watering.

"Call Kaidan. If you still want my company when you're done talking to him, I'll be here. Whatever that means. I don't want you doing something you might regret later."

She wasn't used to seeing that distant look in his eyes. He looked wounded, maybe. But, he was right. She needed to call Kaidan and get this squared away - let him know she still cared for him, at the very least. She nodded again and he was already turning to walk out. There was a pain bubbling up in her chest as she watched him, but she took a deep breath.

"EDI?"

"Yes, Shepard?"

"Tell the crew we have an extra day of shore leave." She let out a sigh, and then ran her hand through her hair before going to her terminal, looking to call up Kaidan.

"Very well, Shepard. Will that be all?"

"Yes, thank you EDI."

She was alone again. She sat at her desk for several minutes, finger hovering over the call button, with Kaidan's name next to it. She shut her eyes, pushed the button, and put her head in her hands.

"Don't pick up. Don't pick up. Don't pick up." She kept repeating like a prayer.

"Shepard?"

Her head shot up, and she sat up straight again, clearing her throat.

"Hey, Kaidan." She sounded miserable. Great. She couldn't even muster up enough courage to give him a smile. But… he didn't exactly look all too well, either. "I… wanted to talk to you." Pathetic.

"You did?" She thought she saw a little bit of light in those tired brown eyes. He looked like a mess - his hair wasn't neat like it usually was, in fact it looked like he hadn't showered for a few days. The scruff on his jaw made him look sickly, too. This wasn't how she ever wanted to see Kaidan, but here he was. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Us. I guess." She lowered her eyes, and leaned forward on her desk, arms crossed in front of her. "You've been on my mind a lot lately."

"I've been thinking about you, too." She saw him lean forward when she looked back up. And then he cracked his lopsided smile, and she couldn't help but grin, looking away again.

"I just wanted to tell you that… I'm not going to hold what you said on Horizon against you. You were right, in some ways. We have changed, but, maybe not so much that we wouldn't get along." Shepard cleared her throat, and felt her back relaxing some. "I don't want to go through the Omega 4 relay, and leave things the way they've been. I want to know that things are good between us. Or that they will be."

"You're going through the Omega relay? What the hell, are you insane?" The tone of his voice was reminiscent of Horizon. But he was allowed to use that tone. It meant he still did care a little.

"That's why I called, Kaidan. I don't know of I'll be coming back from this."

"You'd better make damn sure you come back."

She expected him to be silent. To tell her how stupid she was for doing all this, maybe even to say he couldn't keep talking to someone thinking about near suicide. What she hadn't expected was that tender ache in his voice. She hadn't expected that she would look up, and see a tear rolling down his cheek.

"Kaidan, don't cry." Her voice cracked as she let a tear roll from her eye. It was painful to see someone so strong, so loving, and so deserving of someone better to be crying over the thought of losing her.

And then she realized, they could lose each other again. It had apparently nearly destroyed him before. What would it do to him, now?

"Promise me you'll come back, Shepard. Promise me you're going to walk away from Cerberus after this is done, and come back to where you belong."

"I'll call you first thing." She smiled as another tear was blinked from her eye. To see the relief as his shoulders dropped was worth it. He moved to end the call. "Kaidan, wait."

He watched her with curiosity. Had he not been expecting any more from her? She hadn't called just to hear his voice, that was for sure.

"I need to say this now, or…" She shook her head as her hand covered her face.

"Go ahead."

"I've… sort of been talking with Garrus. And we've been… considering being more than friends."


	2. Part 2

_"I need to say this now, or…" She shook her head as her hand covered her face._

 _"Go ahead."_

 _"I've… sort of been talking with Garrus. And we've been… considering being more than friends."_

That silence was killing her. He'd gone from smiling to stoic in a split second. He blinked a few times, shaking his head.

Had that been a mistake, telling him? She said they'd been considering it. Hell, Garrus was the one who suggested that she call Kaidan at all, did that not say anything about the respect he had for her previous lover?

"Why are you telling me this?" He looked like he was in pain, now. Like on Horizon.

"Garrus was the one who told me to call you." She lowered her eyes, guilt all over her features. "I told him I was having second thoughts about… what were doing. He doesn't want me to regret anything, and to me that means I tell you about what's been going on." She let out a heavy sigh. "You deserve to know."

"So you're saying that one of my closest friends…" He looked beyond upset now. Furious, maybe.

"Nothing has happened between us. But he's been there when I've needed someone to lean on." She paused, running her hand through her hair. "I can call him up and you can talk to him, if you don't believe me-"

"Why wouldn't I believe you? You wouldn't have told me if you didn't feel bad for thinking about… a-another relationship, would you?"

"That's exactly why I told you." She sighed.

There was a bit of silence after that, and she wanted to wait for him to speak. She was remembering his message to her, the part when he said he'd gone out with a doctor. It had hurt, to think he would move on. But under the circumstances, he wasn't doing anything wrong. He'd only told her because he wanted her to know - to get it out in the open.

She needed sleep.

"Listen, I'll call when I come back from the relay. Just promise me we'll talk in person as soon as we can." She was watching his face for any sign of disapproval. But she just saw her own fatigue reflected back at her. He nodded, and she moved to end the call.

"And Shepard?" She paused, "If you need someone while I can't be there… I trust you."

"That means a lot." She was smiling.

"You be careful. I'll see you soon."

"You too."

The call ended. She felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest, not entirely, but enough that she could breathe a little easier. After a few minutes she decided to call Garrus back up, wanting to talk to him about what happened. She knew he'd want to know how it went.

There were no hard feelings. In the ened, Garrus admitted he wasn't entirely comfortable with being more than friends, and so they settled for spending time in each other's company. They would have each other's backs through the relay, and beyond if they made it through.

And two days later, when Kaidan received a call from a private number, he couldn't have been happier to see the face on the other side. They'd be okay.


End file.
